Jasper’s nightmares, and the frantic call from River telling me Michael pushed her down the stairs; her sobbing cries telling me he was Danny’s, left me really not feeling up for company tonight.
Danny still haunts us after six long years. I would never change the family I ended up with from the rubble of Danny’s earth-shattering actions, but I'm so angry that they're still suffering, and would give anything to take away the damage he inflicted.
People don’t realise trauma stays with you. It may fade, it may become easier to cope with, but it’s like scar tissue; it will always be there and no amount of healing can rid you of it.
Not all scars are visible. Sometimes the worst scars are the ones you can’t see; they’re the ones that hold your mind hostage in nightmares. They’re the ones that manipulate your emotions, making guilt crawl into your mind, polluting reasonable thought. Guilt can be so hard to live with; consuming and painful.
People think death is the worst thing that can happen but it’s not, it’s the living that other people have to go on doing once someone we love is taken from this world. It’s the what ifs that constantly replay in our minds. It’s the did they know I loved them? What would they be like if they were here now? How do I get up today and live with this agony?
The only thing that makes it slightly easier is having family to live for, to love, to get up and go on coping for. River has become like a sister to me. She fills a void left by my own sister; her death still plagues me and I feel responsible for her taking her life. River and I share this same grief. We are bonded by a shared misery; a painful sorrow that is a part of us.
Sammy has become like the brother I never had. We share a love for River, but also we are survivors. We have both looked the devil in the eye and lived to breathe another day.